Why Porn, Vibrators and Fantasy Can Ruin Your Sex Life ~Part 2
Are you ready to shift an unhealthy relationship with P0rn, Vibrators or Fantasy and reclaim your full pleasure?
If you are curious WHY it may be a good idea to reconsider habitual use of these sexy tools, please check out part 1 of Why Porn, Vibrators & Fantasy Can Ruin Your Sex Life HERE
This is what has worked for me and my clients...
Many people are ready to enjoy more pleasure, more satisfying orgasms, stronger erections and more connection with their partners and their own touch.
But, how?
My first suggestion is to go on a porn/vibrator/fantasy “diet” - where you simply reduce consumption.
You can most easily do this by alternate pleasuring with a vibrator, fantasy or porn one time, and then do it without the next. Keep switching back and forth, and gradually build the times “without” so you are only relying on these tools occasionally.
For some people, they can limit use- but for others it works best to go “cold turkey” and cut it out entirely for a specific period of time. Start with a week, or a month or longer without porn/vibrator/fantasy- and then check in with yourself. Notice any shifts or changes.
When you do try the porn/fantasy/vibrator again- pay exquisite attention to how you feel before, during and after. Check in with your sexual center, your heart, your mind, and your overall energy. What do you feel compared to when you were not using these tools?
I went the “cold turkey” route, and I threw out my vibrator and didn’t use any for over a year, and now only use them occasionally.
However, many people can have great results by just reducing and alternating use.
This is not about shaming yourself, or making yourself wrong. It is about gathering information on YOUR body and what is most supportive to the pleasure and sexuality you desire!
This is based on concepts of titration and pendulation from Somatic Experiencing, where we move from the familiar into the unfamiliar - from more aroused to less aroused to increase our window of sensitivity and how much pleasure our body can hold without spilling over into orgasm or release.
This is an effective way to start building new neural pathways to pleasure and stop relying so heavily on these habitual tools.
Next step…stay present & get creative
When self pleasuring- notice if you can stay really present with yourself. If you find you are getting bored, frustrated, or reaching for the old way, just gently bring yourself back into the sensations in your body NOW, in this moment, no matter what they may be. Try to find acceptance and a sense of curiosity. You are trying to learn something new!
See if you can “turn up” the awareness and sensations present (even using the image of a big dial in your mind that you can turn up up up to increase the sensations of pleasure or turn on as they arise)…
Solo or partnered, you can experiment with different qualities or modalities of touch, from soft to firm. Try a “hovering” touch where you are barely just brushing the skin… or a firm spank, or using your fingernails. Try playing with different materials - silk, leather, fur, feathers, cold or hot (but not burning). Try the shower, or nature…music, no music. Blindfolded.
Ask yourself “how much pleasure is available/can I allow myself in this moment?”
The sky is the limit.
Finally, instead of going “over” into orgasm, notice if you can “edge” your pleasure, by using deep breath and conscious relaxation, to come into a less tense or aroused state and keep tuning into your body sensations.
It can be really amazing what is possible when you learn to Relax, Move and Breath your turn-on from your genitals into your whole body - for full body pleasure!
This is the KEY to multi-orgasmic states, and it is a skill that can be learned with time!
These sensations may seem small and insignificant at first, but if you continue doing the practices and slowly retrain your brain to pay attention and focus on them, they will grow, expand, and strengthen.
If these are very deeply ingrained habits, I would suggest cultivating a beginners mind, not having huge expectations, and think of this as learning a completely new skill.
Try to approach the practices with a sense of curiosity…”what is possible here? What could I feel if I really TUNED IN and appreciate every tiny vibration and tingle?”
You may also feel numbness, sadness, grief…that is all normal and actually a GOOD sign.
Often, these more uncomfortable sensations are sitting on top of our deeper pleasure (kind of like padding or insulation) and we need to learn to hold ourselves and accept these things if they come up- in order to access the pleasure underneath.
It can be helpful to think of this like when your foot is in a too-tight shoe or really cold. First your foot is numb, but when the blood flow returns it can be uncomfortable and even painful until all the discomfort is gone and you are ready for full movement again.
Trust you WILL get through this stage and have your full pleasure capacity back over time with practice!
I would invite you to undertake this as an adventure, a journey of slow self-discovery into parts of yourself you may have never met. You will find new, exciting territory within!
This could be amazing to share with your partner for added accountability and support- OR you could just have this be super personal, as a gift just for yourself right now without extra pressure.
Excitement, Desire & Turn-On is about connecting with sensation, newness and discovery, so over time that WILL be a natural by-product of offering yourself a new way to connect with your own sexuality- without the added stimulation or distraction.
Solo or partnered, you will absolutely benefit from being more connected to yourself!
If you go back to the porn, vibrator or fantasy, no worries. Be gentle with yourself and just try the next time to focus on the practices as they are offered. Affirm WHY you are doing this and focus on any baby steps you are taking that feel good.
This is a journey, not a destination!
If you desire expert support and guidance for the most powerful and deepest erotic transformation, reach out to me with a PM and we can explore what may be challenging you now and how I can help!
Let me know any questions or thoughts below….
Harmony
