Boundaries. Domain. Limits.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ―Brené Brown
Boundaries. Domain. Limits. What is the difference? And why is it important?
Without a clear “container" of boundaries we never know where the secure edges are in our life, we feel unsafe, and can make such painful mistakes!
This is also where so many relationships get ruined, and we fall into resentment and negative patterns with our partnerships, co-workers, friends & family.
With my clients, I work with the idea of Boundary, Domain and Limits.
My Domain is my personal sacred space including my physical body & wellbeing, my mental/emotional health, personal belongings that I cherish, and my home or other place of safety. (each person's domain may vary).
My Boundary is right at the edge of my Domain. I know this is my boundary because when it is crossed without respect or my consent my body contracts and I may feel disrespected, scared, angry, hurt, fearful, frustrated or resentful.
Limits are what I decide each individual is capable of respecting in regards to my Domain. This is usually based on past experience of this individual and their actions (or non-action).
If someone is new in my life, I may set Limits further out from my precious Inner Domain, and observe how they respond, respect and show up for our connection. I may not let them take babysit my kid, or drive my new car, or have sex on the first date. I set them up for success, so we can build trust over time, and perhaps my limits with this person will change as I learn about them.
People who I already know, it is usually easier to determine Limits.
For example- if I have a friend who I know is not careful with her own personal belongings or she has been careless with my things in the past - I would have a limit where I would not lend her something that is precious to me.
Because I already know she doesn't respect her own things and she has shown me that in the past- why would I expect her to take care of my things now?
If I lent her my favorite blouse, and she got a big stain on it and returned it in bad condition and this upset me, I would need to take responsibility for my role in causing myself pain, and possibly damaging our relationship.
How?
I didn't respect my own Boundary
I love this blouse, it is my favorite, and if it is damaged I will be upset therefore it is up to me to take care of it)
I didn't set an appropriate Limit - which could vary.
Ex: I don't lend important things to this friend. OR I don't lend anything of value that I can't afford to lose or be damaged. OR I lend it to her with the clear agreement that if it is damaged I want it replaced, reimbursed, or have it cleaned/repaired in a specific way.
I allowed my Domain to be negatively impacted - I did not respect or protect something important to me, and this caused me pain.
Result: This may change my relationship to this person, I may avoid her or have negative feelings about her. Plus my blouse is ruined!
A lot of pain results when we put other people in charge of respecting and upholding our personal boundaries.
We lose internal peace.
We lose self-respect & self trust.
We lose safety & enjoyment in our relationships.
In truth, it is up to US to be honest about the people in our lives and their capacity to respect our Domain- so we set Limits that helps THEM not overstep OUR Boundaries.
People who have good, clear boundaries & limits and who respect their own inner domain are the most compassionate, loving and generous people around!
They can be completely openhearted and compassionate as they only freely give what they are willing to lose without disrespecting their own Boundaries and damaging their Inner Domain past repair.
Of course, if you are new to setting limits with people in your life, it is normal they will push back, question you, or even react negatively. People get used to having their own way, taking what they want, and having little pushback.
This is the most important moment to stay centered, calm, clear and loving as you learn to uphold your boundaries and set healthy limits.
When you are able to articulate how this limit helps you maintain your loving relationship and connection with them, they have an opportunity to understand and respect you even more! They will even feel safer in the relationship because they don’t have to "guess" what will make you angry or resentful- it will already be clear!
Just like children, most of us want to know how to succeed with our loved ones, and what things will get us in trouble. An unclear boundary without clear limits leaves us guessing and insecure.
I know this isn't easy for many of us.
It may be very hard to see where we are selling ourselves (and others) out by disrespecting our own domain. It can be even more challenging to set consistent, clear limits moving forward.
But this is part of emotional maturity and self-responsibility. It is also the foundation of peaceful, mutually satisfying relationships and a happier life!
If you are feeling resentful, overwhelmed, frustrated and taken advantage of in your intimate or professional relationships and you desire more support around how to honor your Domain, uphold your Boundaries and communicate loving, clear limits - please reach out to me for support or book a Discovery Call here & let’s chat!
So, I am curious...
Has there been a significant time in your life when you didn't set appropriate limits with certain people and regretted it later?
If you could go back and do it differently, what specific limits would you create to maintain your boundary and protect your domain of inner safety, peace and joy?
How would you lovingly express these limits and how would you handle them "pushing back" against your boundary?
Please let me know in the comments!
