How to Stay In~Love with Your Partner, Even When You Disagree
Conflict happens to everyone, but it doesn’t have to spoil your relationship, or turn into a repetitive fight.
Here are some Simple & EFFECTIVE Communication tips & tools that I share with my clients to help them communicate more effectively, have healthier disagreements & return to love!
KEY 1
5-to-1 Positive Statements to Negative/Criticism. Affirm, compliment, notice, catch your partner doing things well, reflect accomplishments, be kind, be supportive, be effusive with your praise!
KEY 2
Practice the Four Gateways of Speech: Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary? Is my Timing Appropriate?
Good Timing= choosing a moment when your partner is not busy (ask them if they are available to talk now or another time) If all 4 of these are a YES, then talk about it, use the tips below. If one of these is a NO, then sit with it and find a way to make all 4 a YES before continuing.
KEY 3 Ask yourself “Would I rather be “right”? Or would I rather be In-Love?
Sometimes choosing to “let something go” is the most loving choice. If this issue is important to YOU and not your partner, notice if you are giving away your power or feeling victim to what your partner does or does not do.
Sometimes the issue IS super important (like a matter of safety) and need to disagree. Use the tools below to talk about it.
TIPS for when you REALLY need to work something out
Things to AVOID - Do NOT do these if you want to stay in love with your partner!
AVOID calling names or negative shaming with “You ARE xyz”- this is very damaging to the relationship!
Ex: “You ARE... mean / disrespectful / arrogant / selfish / cold / unfair / insensitive”
Instead use examples of HOW you feel/how you are impacted when they take a specific action. You want to be clear that what they DID was bad, not WHO THEY ARE is bad.
Ex: “When you didn’t text me back last night, I got worried and I couldn’t sleep.”AVOID direct blame “You made me feel…” or “You did xyz to me…” This can feel shaming & critical, and make people DEFENSIVE and stop listening.
AVOID ABSOLUTES = All or Nothing thinking is usually ALWAYS wrong and almost ALWAYS causes defensiveness/misunderstanding.
Ex: You never... You always... You don’t ever... Everything is... Nothing is... It is all…
Things to DO that are helpful (the more you do these, the more successful you will be)
Speak from an “I” place, share impact & vulnerability
DO take responsibility for your experience/feelings in YOUR body/mind
Ex: “when you said/did that - I felt xyz…”or “I noticed I felt xyz when that happened”No Assumptions- Take ownership of “The Story & Meaning” you created (until you ask your partner their intention/reason - you are GUESSING the truth)
Ex: “When xyz happened, the story I am making up in my head is…./the story I am telling myself is.../my worried/anxious brain is saying…. can you tell me what happened for you/what is going on for you/your experience of this?”
Acknowledge & Validate & Repeat back what your partner has said for clarity (using same words they used) acknowledge them (even if you don’t agree, you can acknowledge how that could be true for them)
Example of Acknowledge “I heard you say that you are tired today” or “I hear that you need to finish this project, and that you feel frustrated when I interrupt you.”
Example of Validate : “When you said you feel frustrated, it really makes sense to me after the stressful week you have had. “ Try to see things from your partner’s point of view, and validate them.
If you don’t think your partner is understanding you- have them repeat back what you said. Do this until you are both satisfied. Aim for 70-80% understanding especially if it is a tricky issue- don’t sweat the smaller details.
Example of Repeat Back : “What did you hear me say?” -Or - “Can you repeat what I just said so we are clear?” “Yes, I heard you say you are tired and need help with making dinner today”
Apologize / Make Amends / Compliment or offer Love & Healing
“I am sorry I said that. I really want to communicate more clearly, and I see that I hurt you. I will do better. Can you tell me what you need right now?”
“I know this is hard for both of us. Thank you for understanding me.”
“What can I do to help you feel better/trust me?” (after a fight or disagreement)
“I really appreciate when you help me clean the kitchen, it makes me feel supported and like we are a team.”
Questions to ask your partner if they are stressed, triggered, or emotional *notice what you are able/willing to do, and do it for your partner as soon as possible
What do you need right now?
What can I offer you right now?
What can I do to support you?
If you are feeling building tension, anger or uncontrollable resentment and starting to argue - DO THIS to regulate your nervous system!
Breathing together (no words) you can also look into each other’s eyes (eye gazing)
Holding each other, or cuddling (no words) just being together and breathing
Shaking or Dancing to music for 5 minutes to move the energy
Stepping away / taking a time out for an agreed amount of time, and checking in at that time
Put aside the argument for 15 minutes and Do something FUN, enjoyable or pleasurable either alone or together. Even a walk side-by-side without any talking can be the perfect way to come back into calm center.
Unless this is an immediate emergency, AGREE to put aside the issue for another time- DO NOT RETURN to the argument after you have regulated your nervous system. Make a date for another day to address this.
Notice what things you do well, and where you can do better. Talk to your partner - take ownership for where you want to improve. Ask your partner to support you by noticing and complimenting you when you get it right- complement them when they choose to use these tools!
Celebrate yourself & EACH OTHER when you choose to communicate in a more conscious way instead of the old unhelpful, negative pattern. Notice and acknowledge yourself when you mess up ( you are human! its going to happen!)
Was this helpful? Please let me know in the comments!
If you are frustrated or stuck in old relationship patterns- or you are ready to take your love & intimacy to a deeper level, reach out to me! I love supporting couples to transform intimacy & enjoy the connection you deserve. You can book a complimentary 1 hour Couples Discovery Call with me here, lets see if we would be a good fit to work together!
