~How to Hack Your Brain Chemistry for a Stronger Love Bond ~
Relationship Rescue Rx from Harmony Scott
Did you know it is possible to “hack” your brain chemistry to supercharge your love, trust and intimacy with your partner?
In this post, I will teach you the What, Why and lots of yummy How-To’s of this important skill.
And don’t worry, if you are single or solo, or can’t go there with your partner right now, you can also use these techniques to create more satisfaction, comfort, and relaxation all on your own (see list at the end)!
During this time of change and uncertainty, it is more important than ever to learn how to regulate our nervous systems and help our loved ones find internal balance. If you are feeling stressed or disconnected, there are simple actions that activate our natural biology to help us find calm, feel safer, and get close again.
So, what is this magic? Oxytocin is the neurotransmitter that is responsible for human bonding- also known as the “cuddle” or “tend and befriend” hormone. Many people know that oxytocin is released during breastfeeding, and helps mother and baby bond. But it also an essential part of creating healthy intimacy between adult partners.
Examples of Bonding Behaviors that release Oxytocin:
sustained friendly or loving eye contact
skin to skin contact like hugs, cuddles, and gentle massage (sustained for over 20 seconds to activate Oxytocin release)
attuning to and fulfilling the needs and desires of your partner
At the end of this post, I offer an abundance of ideas for couples to try at home- and specific oxytocin-boosters for singles and solos to do on your own.
I also created a FREE 31 Days to Deeper Love Practice Guide, as well as 3 bonus recorded practices to use with your partner. You can sign up at the bottom to get the PDF guide and audio practices delivered to your Inbox pronto…
So, why does our brain release Oxytocin?
Simply put, we could not fall in love or create relationships without specific changes in our brain chemistry. Our human bonds with our children, family members, and friends are driven by invisible neurotransmitters. These chemicals act on our reward circuitry (reward = “feels good!”).
As mammals we are programmed for both Mating AND Survival.
So, after mating is complete, we are also wired to find physical and emotional closeness rewarding for survival reasons. Part of this “reward” comes in the form of oxytocin. Every time we do a bonding behavior, oxytocin is released. Oxytocin “feels good” and our brain makes sure that anything that feels good is repeated again and again, so the bond gets stronger.
If we are bonded with someone, and staying “bonded” feels good, we are more likely to share resources and help protect one another. This way our biology helps parents take care of children, builds emotional intimacy and trust between mates, and also deepens feelings of affinity and openness between family members and community. Strong emotional bonds = better chance of survival.
Oxytocin works on the limbic brain- our center for emotions, satisfaction, reward, learning and memory. The more oxytocin we create, the more satisfied we feel- we never get habituated to it! This is called a positive feedback loop. Rinse, repeat…and the human species survives! Mother Nature at her finest- truly that simple and that powerful.
So, how does oxytocin “bonding” help us have a good relationship in the modern world?
Since we build more and more oxytocin through specific bonding cues, we can learn to leverage these behaviors. So, at any stage of a relationship, simply INCREASE the frequency of daily bonding activities to release more oxytocin, solidify emotional bonds and keep them strong.
What happens if we decrease or stop exchanging these bonding cues with our partners?
To be blunt, oxytocin is fundamental to human brain health, happiness and satisfaction. When we don’t or can’t enjoy these bonding behaviors regularly, emotional balance will weaken as oxytocin levels will drop. Low oxytocin means our brains are not happy and we are not happy.
When the needs of the limbic brain are not met- we experience frustration, disconnection, stress, social anxiety, trouble sleeping, low pain tolerance, addictive cravings, depression, and even anger and aggression may increase.
Doesn’t sound so good, does it?
That’s not all. Low or deficient oxytocin is tied to lowered feelings of empathy and trouble with social skills and engagement- and is linked to autistic spectrum disorders. (Oxytocin is actually being used as a medical treatment and shows potential for treating autism, social anxiety, depression, PTSD, and schizophrenia- but that is another post.)
There is an inverse relationship between the stress hormone cortisol and oxytocin, so when cortisol (stress) goes up, oxytocin goes down. Kind of like when you drive fast, you use more gas.
Basically, MORE anxiety can equal LESS stability, love, bonding and feelings of safety.
That’s why it is important to understand how oxytocin works. You can consciously prioritize these bonding behaviors, and fill the emotional gas-tank…especially when things get stressful.
With this knowledge, we can choose to stimulate oxytocin and enjoy more love, happiness and a better life!
Consider this situation- I spoke to a woman last week, her marriage is going through a rough patch and things at home feel strained. She told me her husband is always cuddling with the dog, while she feels sad and resentful. It is no wonder this poor lady feels jealous of the affection her husband is lavishing on the family pet, while she is starving for love and attention!
This is a classic setup where an oxytocin mismatch INCREASES the relationship problems. Without bonding to stabilize and repair their intimate connection, the challenges in their marriage will increase, even possibly ending in a separation or divorce.
However, the reverse is also true. A relationship in trouble can also HEAL with conscious, frequent, sustained bonding cues. Partners can learn to activate and sustain these behaviors to build oxytocin and heal these deep biological needs.
Continue to stimulate oxytocin on a daily basis and you will create a deeper and stronger foundation of love. Over time, couples can also rebuild their intimacy, and increase desire for sexual connection. It’s like Sexy Brain Magic!
Another plus is that many bonding cues don’t involve TALKING which can be a source of pain and conflict for many couples. Instead of arguing about “problems in the relationship”, you can use the non-verbal bonding cues to build up emotional connection to a point where tough conversations can come from a softer, more loving and trusting place.
This is one of the most efficient way to restore balance and increase pleasure in your partnership!
In order to experience the greatest benefit, exchange the bonding cues listed below daily, even if only for a minute or two. Research shows that a hug sustained for 20 seconds gets the oxytocin flowing! Doing this might feel strange or artificial at first- but put a little effort into learning the main bonding activities, engage them often, and it soon becomes automatic and increasingly pleasurable!
Oxytocin is easy to activate! Engage your 5 senses (touch, sight, smell, taste, hear) to help induce a warm, calm mood, increase tender feelings and openness. As I mentioned, the more oxytocin you produce, the more you increase your satisfaction and feelings of well being over time (instead of boredom or habituation). It is like HEALTHY drugs without a hangover!
Below, I offer lots of ideas for couples to try at home- and specific oxytocin-boosters individuals can do on their own.
If you would like my FREE 31 Days to Deeper Love Guide - a month of delicious day-to-day practices & tips that will take your relationship to the next level of connection & intimacy ~ PLUS ~ 3 Guided Audio Practices to Boost Oxytocin - Click Below…
Bonding Behaviors List
I suggest that my clients request and offer these as much as possible! You can double or triple some of these and put them in combination for an even greater oxytocin boost.
Tips: It is always good to ask your partner what kind of affectionate touch is most comforting. During the practices, allow yourself to make sounds of pleasure, check in to see if any touch is in the right location, speed and pressure - breath and tune into the sensations inside your body when you give AND receive. Most Important = Switch roles!
Use your 5 senses in pleasurable ways! touch, taste, smell, hearing, sight
gazing into your partner’s eyes- sustained eye contact WITH a gentle smile
skin to skin contact, including holding hands
hugs that last 20 seconds or longer release oxytocin
synchronized breathing -matching your breathing pattern to your partner’s
holding or spooning each other in stillness for 20 minutes to half hour
wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure
stroking or hugging with intent to comfort
making time together at bedtime a priority (even if one partner has to get up and work on something afterward)
exercise together- or do an activity you both find pleasurable
kissing with lips and tongues
touching or sucking of nipples and/or breasts
gentle intercourse without climax
giving your partner your undivided attention when they are talking
partner dancing or slow dancing with close embrace
providing a service or treat without being asked
giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments
laughing together- find ways to play and share joy and smiles!
apologizing if you make an error or make hurtful remark- asking how to repair or make things “right”- then doing what your partner requests in a spirit of generosity
forgiving or overlooking your partner’s error or remark, past or present
preparing your partner a favorite food or treat
sharing a meal, talk with attention focused on each other (put the phones away!)
Warning: self-soothing behaviors such as smoking and stress eating are two unhealthy ways to increase oxytocin, and it may be one reason people feel comforted by these habits is due in part to the oxytocin boost.
How to Boost YOUR OWN Oxytocin for Singles & Happily Solo
-no partner needed!-
Use your 5 senses in pleasurable ways! touch, taste, smell, hearing, sight
make eye contact and smile with others when talking
hug your friends (doctors recommend 8 hugs a day! A hug sustained for 20 seconds gets the oxytocin flowing)
cuddle with pets
listen to relaxing music
sing out loud, alone or with a group
record yourself praising and giving yourself kind affirmations- listen to it often
meditation, particularly loving kindness meditation increases oxytocin
use a weighted blanket, this has been shown to release oxytocin and sooth anxiety
share leisurely meals with others
tell people you love them, give compliments
receive a massage, or give a massage
partner dancing like tango, salsa, bachata, blues dance or similar
self-massage, self touch, slowly moisturizing your whole body after bath or shower
slow self pleasure with emphasis on sensation instead of climax
breast massage for women (our breasts are designed to release oxytocin on contact of breasts and nipples for breastfeeding)
give a gift or do an act of service- acts of altruism and generosity increase oxytocin
connecting and talking with friends (even over phone or by social media helps)
physical exercise, especially yoga - naturally increases oxytocin
breathwork & pranayama
LAUGHTER! Watch comedies or funny cat videos, practice laughter yoga (its a thing)
warm temperatures is conducive to oxytocin release, hot tub, bath tub, sauna, hot water bottle, warm climates- all support oxytocin
engaging in team sports
thrill seeking alone or with others- adventures, rollercoasters, extreme or challenging sports or activities
Warning: self-soothing behaviors such as smoking and stress eating are two unhealthy ways to increase oxytocin, and it may be one reason people feel comforted due in part to the oxytocin boost.
I hope you enjoyed this! I am so happy to share what I know so you can bring greater joy and contentment into your life. If you desire more support and to go deeper, or have a question about anything in this article please reach out to me!
If you would like my Free 31 Days to Deeper Love Guide ~ a month of delicious day-to-day practices & tips that will take your relationship to the next level of connection & intimacy ~ PLUS ~ 3 Guided Audio Practices to Boost Oxytocin -click below!
