Ask Harmony
“Dear Harmony, Why am I thinking about and dreaming of my former partner when I am in quarantine?
I had a sexy dream about my old boyfriend the other night. I feel guilty, but I can’t stop thinking about him, even though I logically don’t want to be with him. He was part of my “party past” and that is no longer who I am now, but some things were REALLY good (like sexually, even though he wasn’t a reliable person). This is really bothering me. I am feeling a bit stifled in my current relationship, but I don’t want to hurt my partner and share this with him, but he is noticing I am avoiding him a bit…what should I do? ~Dreaming of the Past
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Dear Dreaming, it is really quite normal to have dreams about former partners, and I have had a few of these dreams myself. In my experience as a love and relationship coach, there may be a few different things going on.
One is basic- with less human interaction and social connection right now it is very normal to yearn for people or times in our life when we DID have more social interaction. Your “party past” may not have been totally healthy, but it was FULL of social interaction, right? And being stuck in the house with ONE person instead of lots of varied relationships can be stifling.
Plus, dreams are often a place where we “work out” fears, desires, beliefs, current challenges and digest them…the dream ex-partner could be symbolic of an old pattern or fear in your life that is ready to change, or could also be arriving as a way to process some unfinished business from that specific relationship.
The other options are more complex.
First, I would say being in close proximity with a partner for this intense and long period of time gives you a very CLEAR view about what is working and what is not in your current relationship.
If there are few skills to address this (which most of us lack since we are never taught how to “do” relationship or sex) we are left with the common human instinct to think “the grass is greener” whenever we are feeling stifled, frustrated or not fully happy with circumstances.
In that case, we often compare what we are experiencing now to what we have had in the past, and it can be easy to idealize someone who is no longer in our life. Does this make sense?
Second, have you ever heard of attachment styles? It is one of the most scientifically researched theories of human relationship and development (over 40 years of research)
It is basically how you learned to attach and bond when you were a child- if you parents provided you safety, love and attended to your needs consistently.
50% of people are Securely attached and in general have no problem forming long term health bonds in relationship.
The other 50% are split between Anxious attachment and Avoidant attachment at roughly 25% each. These are who we mostly see in the dating pool because they have more challenges (or even many Avoidants don’t desire to) to forming long term relationships.
Anxious people are continually trying to get MORE connection, intimacy, and commitment.
Avoidant people need human connection, but their primary need is freedom and autonomy.
When an anxious and avoidant get together- which is most often the case because they are magnetically attracted to each other- one is always running away while the other is always trying to get closer.
While this may or may not be what is going on with you, what you are describing is a typical Avoidant behavior.
By idealizing the former partner, an Avoidant can create a reason to distance themselves, or cast doubt on the current relationship. It enables them to “pull back” mentally, emotionally and even physically from the current partner.
Especially if this past relationship represented a time in your life when you were experiencing a lot of play and freedom, or even sexual exploration- it could be a contrast to what you feel now.
It is not conscious and is not done to hurt the current partner. But it is a very common in an Anxious or Avoidant dynamic.
This is an oversimplification - but if you really want to know more google “attachment relationship theory” or check out the books like “Attached” by Amire Levine MD or “Wired for Dating” by Stan Tatkin.
The good news about Attachment Styles is that they can shift in different partnerships and over time in our life AND if this dynamic is causing us harm and pain, we can heal this with therapy or coaching.
If this is resonating with you and you are curious to find out your style right now, I would suggest you check out the online Romantic Attachment Style quiz here. It is such important information to have!
If you are having recurring dreams or thoughts about an Ex, I invite you to get curious and go deeper about what may be going on for you!
My suggestion for you is to explore these questions by journaling :
Do I have a pattern of idealizing my past partners- or just this one? (going through past journals to see a history of this or asking a close friend for a reality check on this can be helpful).
Do I have a tendency to pull away from intimacy and relationships when they get deeper OR do I always yearn for even more closeness?
What about the past relationship or partner did I most enjoy that I may be lacking now?
Was there some part of myself that felt more expressed in that relationship/time of my life? Is it possible to bring this part of me forward and express that now? (for example: maybe you went out dancing a lot with that partner- is there some way you could bring this into your current life now?)
I hope this was helpful!
If you want to go deeper, this is exactly the kind of work I do with my clients. I help you reclaim full joy and authenticity in your life, and upgrade your relationship to yourself and your partner so you feel more whole and expressed! I invite you to Book a Discover Call with me and take a step toward the life you Desire to create!
