Why Focusing on Orgasm as a Goal Causes Bad Sex
What to do instead to enjoy more sexual satisfaction, erotic connection and juicy, Pleasurable goodness🔥
To enjoy better s3x, we all need to understand the difference between pleasure, orgasm and climax.
Ten years of healing my own shut-down s3xuality & being a part of thousands of people’s erotic healing journey has taught me how important this is - so let’s break it down…
Most ideas of orgasm are built on the assumed male model that includes a steep slope of arousal and then a sharp "peak" or climax.
This is just NOT how most female bodies work. And many male bodies also do NOT respond this way.
Some people, yes.
But many people have unconsciously copied this type of s3xual expression and response (or fake it) because that is what what they see in media and believe is expected of them. ((Thanks, Porn 👿))
Three False Assumptions that lead to BAD S3X:
FALSE. “We both will get turned on with X amount of stimulation, we will be wet & ready or hard & horny, then climax in X amount of minutes, and climax will look, feel like, and sound a specific way” (based on what we have seen in movies / porn / read on internet / experienced with another partner / or friends told us)
FALSE. “If s3x doesn’t conform to what we expect (see #1) this means we have failed, or my partner has failed, or it was bad s3x, or something is wrong with me or my partner.”
FALSE. “Anything that doesn’t involve PENETRATION isn’t real S.E.X- Foreplay isn’t REAL s3x” ie: - Foreplay is just something leading up the the MAIN EVENT of penetration.
Here are some more common False Ideas & Truth Bombs about about foreplay:
“it’s not s3x”
Truth: Foreplay is a gorgeous part of s3x. It can even be the main event and be most enjoyable all on its own with no “end goal”. It can also be part of a continuing s3xual experience that may or may not lead to penetration of some kind
“foreplay is ONLY when we touch genitals in a specific s3xual way”
Truth: a skilled lover knows foreplay starts when the last s3xual contact ends and exists outside the bedroom. Foreplay can include the mind, the emotions, the spirit and all 5 senses. Like: s3xy/appreciative compliments & text messages, kind acts of service, quality time together & planned intimacy dates, soothing or sensual massage, thoughtful gifts, generosity, honest communication
“it’s only for woman, most guys don’t like it (except blowjobs)”
Truth: everyone can enjoy foreplay- it is one of the most creative & imaginative parts of s3xual expression- and has endless pleasure potential!
“foreplay is not as important or pleasurable as penetrative s3x”
Truth: for many people (especially women) foreplay is the most satisfying & pleasurable part of s3x & is indispensable
“a few touches or licks should do it”
Truth: the best s3xual experience is one where there is no “goal” or time expectation - explore what feels good today, in this moment- and is co-created between partners. Sometimes a few minutes IS enough- but usually more time enjoying a variety of sensual touch & mutual pleasure is much, much better.
“when a woman is wet or a man is hard that means they are ready for intercourse”
Truth: learn about s3xual non-concordance- wet/hard doesn’t equal s3xual readiness or even desire - check in with your partner and keep exploring if they are not a full YES to move toward penetration. That means communicating, listening & respecting your partner’s body & level of arousal - especially their “NO” “I don’t know/maybe” or “not yet”
All these ideas about s3x are Incorrect & unhelpful most of the time and can be dismantled with a bit of research & especially important to ask your partner what is true for them
…yet I once believed ALL of them!
I was even lucky enough to grow up in an open-minded home with a pretty s3x-positive family, and this was still my incorrect understanding for much of my adult life.
Now I know that people can enjoy a wide spectrum of pleasure & orgasm! My s3x coach colleagues and 1000’s of our clients & students talk about this all the time.
Every Body is different!
But most people don’t know this (yet), so they base their s3xual skill, desirability and virility as a lover on if their partner had a visible/audible climax or not.
If not, they can feel “less than” or assume there is “something wrong” causing many women to feel pressured to fake a climax when actually they may just need a different approach (usually WAY sloooooower).
Some women may be totally satisfied with the experience, and would prefer not to be "expected" to have their s3xuality perform/look/sound a certain way to satisfy their partner's sense of s3xual self-worth.
This goes both ways.
Men are also expected to climax and ejaculate. Many men say that their (often female) partner will link his ejaculation to her own self esteem as a sexy, desirable woman. If he chooses to control ejaculation, some partners may even get upset & take it personally (I have heard this quite a few times from male clients)
By focusing on this goal-oriented orgasm, it is easy to lose touch with the present moment and actually BLOCK sensations and pleasure available NOW. This disconnection may cause us to spiral into negative stories about what we are (or are NOT) experiencing.
Rinse & repeat
So, this points to another important fact: Climax may include orgasm, but a Pleasurable & Orgasmic state may NOT include a climax.
What is the difference?
Well, climax is the sharp peak and release of intense sensation that quickly fades and is usually localized in the clitoris or penis- but orgasm is a state of pleasure that can go on for hours, can fill your whole body with bliss, and leave you feeling relaxed, radiant, nourished and alive.
Many women actually PREFER to feel this delicious long-lasting Orgasmic state of pleasure rather than the brief shot of the Climax.
Often, this experience of waves of pleasure are what we mean by being “multi-orgasmic”. Instead of riding one big wave all the way to the beach, we can catch many waves of different qualities, and keep enjoying the ride!
Men can also learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation, and train their bodies to become multiorgasmic too!
I find it EXTREMELY helpful and liberating to define orgasm as including these components:
Expansion of energy or pleasurable sensation in the body.
Movement of this energy or pleasurable sensation in the body.
An altered mind-state (feeling refreshed, alive, radiant, tingly..)
Based on this definition, I am curious if you have ever had a s3xual experience that didn’t include a big climax, but was still super pleasurable and satisfying?
But the very best thing is to let go of any external standard and expectations of what your Climax may look like and feel like, and start opening to the possibility that your authentic experience of Orgasm may be as unique and beautiful as you are!
Lovemaking is as much an art form as it is a physical act.
We can all learn, improve our technique and grow our capacity to feel pleasure and hold higher levels of sensation as we explore new ways of expanding what is possible!
In my experience there is no "normal/average” in human s3xuality- especially with regards to satisfaction and desire.
So, what really matters is what YOU want, what makes YOU feel good, and what brings YOU satisfaction in your s3xual connection with your partner and your own body.
If you want to expand and explore what is possible for you, I invite you to book a free discovery call with me here, or email me at info@harmonyscottcoaching.com, or comment below and find out how I have guided my clients to greater pleasure, deeper satisfaction and more confidence in their s3xuality!
