Ask Harmony
"How can I stop believing that sex is dirty and shameful?"
The latest Ask Harmony question...
“Dear Harmony, I have experienced pain at menstruation all my life and recently I closed myself off from sex, because of the trauma that plays in my body
In my childhood the adults around me, my grandma, my mother always said that is a bad thing to be with boys and to be sexual, or close to boys.
I internalized this hate about sexual behaviour around boys and felt that I am different then other girls who are clean and not dirty like I am.
Right now, I don't know how to change this thinking, In my mind I am still thinking that my sexuality is dirty and not appropriate. Consciously I know is not true but it plays out in the background.
Do You have advice or sharing around how to change the early beliefs around my sexuality?
Thank You very much! “
Tired of the Shame
_______________________________________
Dearest Tired, I am honored offer you support around your question regarding sexual shame and pain.
Please know that you can take whatever I say that resonates with you, and if anything does not feel true to you, simply let it go!
I am so, so sorry and deeply sad that you were given this false belief around your sexuality at such a young age. My heart aches as I read what your grandmother and mother said to you...because I know this is what they were taught also. They were just giving you information they believed to be true, to protect you.
This is the world that women have had to endure for too long! The truth is that our sexuality is a gift built into our bodies for sublime pleasure, for joy, for connection and for LOVE.
I know you KNOW this, and that is why you are writing in to me.
But...how to get from the internalized place that sex is dirty and unclean and bad and painful....into the EXPERIENCE of joy, of openness, of freedom, of pleasure, and connection?
How to change these early beliefs around sexuality?
I would like to invite you to do a little practice. It is a practice of imagination. It is a practice of visualization.
This practice is writing YOUR story of how you want your sexuality to be. Of how you want ALL girls to feel about their sexuality and what you want them to know and understand about how their bodies work.
Imagine you live in a future, ideal world or an alternate Universe. You can wave a magic wand and Sexuality is celebrated and seen as natural, healthy and beautiful. Bodies are deeply understood and seen as sacred and powerful.
How would this be taught to young people? How would YOU like to have been taught? What story would you want to know? How would relationships look? How would women treated, and how would women's sexuality and bodies be treated? In this future world or alternate universe, how would YOUR grandmother and YOUR mother talk to you about your body and your sexuality and your menses and how your body works? How would your first sexual experience be? How would men treat women as lovers and partners? What is YOUR ideal experience of your monthly menstruation?
Write this story for YOU. And the record it so you can listen over and over. You are re-creating your own truth. What do you desire to believe and KNOW about your sexual potential and how your body and your menstruation can feel in this IDEAL world?
You can do it several ways...one is to write it down and read it often, the other is to record it and listen back to yourself often.
When you listen to your story, lie down and close your eyes and gently gently caress your body as you listen to this new narrative about your sexuality and your body.
At the end, you can talk to your body and tell her you love her, talk to your breasts and your womb and your ovaries and your vagina and your vulva...tell them they are beautiful and natural and sacred place of creativity and LIFE. That is the truth. Tell yourself you are SAFE, you are LOVED, and you BELONG...that your sexuality is natural and beautiful and you don't need to feel pain or discomfort or shame. Your sexuality is clean and gorgeous and is God's gift to you. This body is God's Gift ( or the gift of the Goddess, or Nature, or the GREAT SPIRIT, or the Universe) To YOU.
This exercise can help you create a NEW narrative for yourself that is more powerful and more TRUE than the lies that you were told as a child.
If you desire some resources - here are some books that can help support you with more information and sources of inspiration.
Mama Gena "Pussy: A Reclamation"
Here is a free E-Book that is written by my peer and friend, Assana Rae Halder, who also was trained by Layla- her Thesis is around Sexual shame from religion and family- you can get it here.
It may be that the pain from your menstruation is your body’s way of asking for your loving attention, I am curious if this pattern may unwind and relax as you explore and reclaim your natural sexual wholeness and joy.
And if you desire to go deeper into this work, and explore your own sexuality and desires in a safe and loving container, you can contact me about receiving one-on-one coaching.
I hope this feels helpful and supportive to you, and might help you shift your beliefs around sexuality and what is TRUE to you.
Much love, Harmony
If you would like to submit a question to me, please PM or email me harmony@harmonyscottcoaching.com ❤️
Photo: Tommy van Kessel
